Hoarding

is defined as the persistent difficulty in discarding possessions, despite their value. And I am slowly realizing that it is a function of my anxiety and depression. I have let go of the boxes of cards and journals, the stamp collection, the sticker books, the Boy George book (still a twinge of regret on that one) but still the hoarding lurks in hidden places.DSC02774I am learning that the “clutter” brings me anxiety, but the pushing it off brings the depression. It is a tension that I struggle with. So I spend free time, like today, with windows wide open and an empty house. It takes one drawer at at time…Kind of like jogging (one day at a time).DSC02779It’s like time travel, but the difference is now, I’m not as fond of the trips down memory lane as I am slowly becoming aware that I don’t need all the stuff in drawers, collecting dust (yes, a lesson repeatedly learned). Here is the frame from a 2003 birthday, my friend made me. It pretty much sums me up..I love Jesus, the apple is for teaching, Oprah, the Eiffel Tower (Vive la France!), dogs crossed out (sorry friends), and a tiny heart with Joe on it. Me in a red, sparkly star frame!DSC02776

Oh and the Church of the Sojourners! So much love and “passing the peace” with hugs. The folks who taught me so much about living in the Lord together, what it means to break bread, practice the sabbath, and share a common purse. I had shoved this one page directory into this drawer. Was that when I moved to LA? Have I been back (or away) for eleven years? DSC02778And these pages of checklists from 2007. The literal checks next to all the preparation for a home birth that I never had. And guess what? I had only minor aches of sadness to reread the list. Because in the end I learned to let go of the control that flows against labor and just like my mid-wife promised…I would be so much happier about a healthy baby than any ideal water birth dream. Thanks Candace!DSC02782I threw out most of the drawer and left the essentials: a handheld sticker machine and tiny red suitcase full of stationary and postcards…Ahhh..the progressive change away from keeping and toward empty spaces.

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